


Yuletide Chaos

by AquilaTempestas



Category: SMITE (Video Game)
Genre: Christmas-themed, Comedy, Gen, Humour, Loki's tricks, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:56:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28300062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquilaTempestas/pseuds/AquilaTempestas
Summary: Two unlikely gods form an alliance to spread the love of chaos on the battlefield during the festive season, and Ullr finds himself caught in the madness. What could possibly go wrong?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Yuletide Chaos

Little did everyone know but Cupid was a cunning evil little demon. Sure, he looked cute and innocent – he had the body of a baby, round innocent eyes, rosy tinted cheeks, and a pair of angelic wings. But behind this cute exterior was the heart of a sociopath. There was a sadistic joy in spreading fake love, and corrupting relationships. Apollo had described him as a serpent once and Cupid wore that insult with pride.

Saturnalia was his favourite time of the year because it meant everyone came together on the battlefield. All year long the gods from the different pantheons would fight for the title of best pantheon on the conquest map. It left little time for matchmaking and lovemaking. But Saturnalia made people forget about their grudges temporarily for a festival of fun. And chaos of course.

“I do admire your methods, Cupid,” Loki said, readjusting his masquerade mask. The god looked quite dapper in his black suit and cape. “No one expects you of doing anything devious. Especially not in that bee costume,” he added, observing the crowd. Apollo was on the stage playing his lyre and singing at the top of his lungs. Several gods and goddesses were up and dancing already whilst a few remained in their seats watching.

Cupid had formed an odd alliance with Loki. Loki was feeling annoyed with his pantheon because they had blamed him for their embarrassing loss at the recent tournament. Loki wouldn’t clarify the details however – he changed the subject when it was brought up – but rumour was it had something to do with split pushing objectives. “Devious? Me? How could you ever think ill of this face?”

“That’s my point. It’s always the so-called innocent ones who have dark minds. But enough. Let’s focus on enjoying this party. So many gods all in one place. I say we spread a bit of chaos on the battlefield, yes? What’s Yule without a bit of fun?”

“Yule?”

“That’s what we Norse call it.”

“Bacchus oversees the wine. We could add some aphrodisiac to the wine for some real fun.”

Loki nodded. “Hm, yes, that is devious. Your wine is weak anyway so no losses there.”

Cupid observed the crowd looking for a weak target. He noticed Tyr and King Arthur comparing sword sizes and techniques to the far north. Achilles and Cu Chulainn were sparring with their spears much to the delight of a few female gods who were getting all flustered over shirtless buff men. Not a group of people he wanted to mess with. Big dumb warriors.

“Do not eat the lettuce!” Set screamed as he sprinted down the street. “The lettuce talks!”

“Are you implying my lettuce is dirty?” Persephone called out.

“Someone please, stop that…thing!”

No one really knew what animal Set was supposed to be. A hound. A deer. An aardvark. A donkey. It was a total mystery. All Loki knew was that Set was also a chaos god who had developed an unnatural fear of lettuce. Loki turned away. Egyptians were weird. “We’re going to punish them all.”

Cupid smirked. “A battlefield of chaos.”

Loki shifted his attention towards Zeus who was standing before his temple showing off to the other pantheon leaders his lightning bolt show. Hera was trying to get her husband and brother’s attention, but Zeus didn’t seem to care. The All-Father, dressed in an outfit for climbing mountains, was glaring at Zeus with his one eye. He was probably still upset over losing the best beard award to Zeus.

“Shall we get the festivities started then?” Cupid said.

“With pleasure,” Loki said, rubbing his palms together eagerly, unable to stop a grin from spreading across his face.

Oh, Saturnalia was going to be fun. “Let the festivities begin,” Cupid added snickering.

* * *

No one wanted to admit it, but the Olympians held the best parties. It was the end of the annual tournament, and Zeus had invited all pantheons to attend the Saturnalia event atop Mt Olympus. Saturnalia was supposed to be a Roman festival, but as the Greeks had once again claimed the trophy, Zeus had earned the hosting rights. As usual, Bacchus was busy trying to get everyone drunk and Aphrodite was at his side filling the jugs of any attractive male that passed by. The other pantheons were encouraged to mix and mingle, but it was difficult to put aside grudges even for a festival. Ullr observed the other gods and goddesses eavesdropping.

“Oh, Cu Chulainn could thrust that spear in me any time,” Nu Wa said dreamily.

“I would suck the immortal out of him,” Arachne said.

“You are not sucking anything out of him. He’s mine to deal with,” The Morrigan snapped.

“Now, now ladies!” Hercules said, standing in between the three females, wearing nothing but pale blue speedos. “Why would you want Cu Chulainn when you could have me? I have a big rock.” He winked at Nu Wa.

“That’s all lies,” The Morrigan said. “I can turn into you and believe me, it’s not that impressive.”

The other females laughed. Shoulders slumped, and ego deflated, Hercules turned his back and walked away. Mercury hunched over and slapped his knees, unable to control his laughter. “Oh man, that was epic!” He kept laughing until The Morrigan glared in his direction. “Right. Well. Gotta go fast!” He ran away before The Morrigan could bewitch him, his prize-fighter fake moustache falling off his face.

“You Greeks wouldn’t last a day in the mighty halls of Asgard!’ Thor roared. “Your wine is piss weak! Our mead is strong because we Norsemen are strong!” To emphasize his point, he flexed his bulging muscles, making sure all the ladies were looking.

“But you _did_ lose,” Aphrodite said, looking Thor up and down, with a grin on her face. “I remember it so clearly. We had a team fight around the Fire Giant. You might’ve had a chance to win the team fight, but Loki was busy split pushing the duo lane. You were a man down, and we punished you for that. You had no way of getting to our backline, but we did, and Arachne deleted yours. We win. Again.” Her words were greeted with laughter by the Greeks.

“Your team is just cheap,” Freya said, pointing her tennis racquet at Aphrodite. “Ares. Arachne. Artemis. Zeus and Achilles.”

“You’re just upset because you couldn’t beat me in a duel,” Artemis said with a smirk.

Freya scowled. “Everyone knows that disgusting boar of yours, Tusky, does all the work.”

Artemis pointed an arrow at Freya. “This arrow has your name on it. See? Moron. It’s on all of them. Don’t be a sore loser. You shouldn’t have Loki on your team.”

“It’s always Loki’s fault. Every. Blasted. Time,” Thor replied through clenched teeth, lowering his arms. “Even if he’s not competing, he still manages to make us lose and-wait. Is that a… dwarf? Who is that dwarf? I _hate_ dwarves!” he demanded, pointing his hammer towards a dark-skinned male child. Well. It looked like a child anyway. The boy was carrying an umbrella. It wasn’t even raining. It was also night fall. So, why the umbrella?

“I wouldn’t call Vamana a dwarf,” Bacchus said, filling another jug. “Unless you’d prefer to deal with a big baby throwing a tantrum?”

“I would prefer not,” Aphrodite said with a glare. “He will stomp on the plants again, and I spent a lot of time with Persephone planting those things you know. And if you start a fight with Vamana, then Ares will think it’s a sign of war and he’ll throw chains at everyone.”

“Oh, kinky!” Da Ji snickered.

Aphrodite ignored the nine-tailed fox goddess. “It’s Saturnalia. We should be having fun.”

“But fun is chaos,” Discordia said, approaching the group. “Wouldn’t it be fun to have a whole bunch of gods fighting over my apple?”

“Zeus won’t allow it. You know how he gets when anyone tries to disrupt his party. There’ll be a big lightning storm and several of us will get zapped. And let me tell you it’s not fun when you get struck by a lightning bolt multiple times,” Aphrodite pointed out. “At least it doesn’t stun you anymore, but still, it hurts. And then Poseidon will want to join in because he always must try and outdo Zeus by throwing a big pool party. Not a pretty picture, and I know beauty.”

Ullr shifted his attention away from the group, instead preferring to find a quiet spot somewhere away from these idiots. Preferably up high on the mountain, but he doubted Zeus would like that. He didn’t even know why he had bothered to come. Parties really weren’t his thing. Not even in Asgard. All the gods and goddesses would together in the hall and celebrate Yule. Odin’s favourite activity was making everyone drink mead until they could drink no more. He hadn’t even bothered to dress up, preferring his usual ranger attire. Ullr preferred to keep his distance from his rowdier kin. He liked nature. He liked skiing. He liked hunting. None of which he could do here.

The sound of sniggering caught his attention and pulled him out of his thoughts. Turning his head to the right, he spotted Cupid and Loki sitting on a bench, watching the crowd with gleeful grins. Oh, that was trouble all right. He had heard the stories about Cupid and his interactions with Psyche. The god was a sociopath and intent on corrupting lawful marriages of every person. Even Apollo had referred to Cupid as a serpent dire and fierce.

“What are you two scheming about?” Ullr said, approaching the dangerous duo.

“Oh, Ullr!” Loki exclaimed. “Come a little closer. I’ve got a secret for you.”

If he were any other god from another pantheon, he might’ve believed Loki, but he knew the conniving little shit all too well. “Loki. No. I’m not letting you stab me in the back.” Oh, if only they had been back at Asgard, he wouldn’t hesitate to use Loki as target practice. But he couldn’t risk starting trouble here on Mt Olympus. He knew how bad-tempered Zeus and his brothers were. Not to mention Odin would probably replace him with Skadi or Heimdallr if he caused trouble.

Loki rolled his eyes. “Must you think ill of me? It’s Yuletide.”

“Saturnalia,” Cupid corrected.

“And that is exactly why I’m more suspicious of you than usual. Where is Heimdallr? He’s supposed to be keeping an eye on you.”

Loki shrugged. “He’s gone far, far away.”

Ullr narrowed his eyes. “What did you do to him?”

“Well, I convinced Freya to mess around with the Bifrost runes. So, our good friend Heimdallr should be in Egypt now. It’s going to take him awhile to fix the magic.”

“Freya helped you? Why?”

“You don’t need to know the details.”

Loki was right. He didn’t want to know what sort of weird things Loki had put himself through to convince Freya to help him. Loki would do anything – turn into a mare and mate with a stallion, have a tug of war match with a goat with one end of rope tied around his testicles, and other weird things. So, he believed Loki.

“We’re not scheming, Ullr. Honestly. Loosen up a little, will you?”

Cupid snickered. That little demon. “I think he needs to feel the love.”

Ullr raised his hands. “What? No. I’m fine, thanks. I don’t want your love.”

“Don’t be afraid of love, Ullr. Nobody has been hurt by love before. I’m going to help you find it.” There was a sadistic gleam of pure evil in Cupid’s eyes.

“You demon,” Ullr retorted, reaching for his bow and arrow, but Loki summoned a decoy right in front of his face, blocking his view. Before he could leap out of the way, a sharp pang of pain imploded in his arm. It took only seconds for his vision to blur. His knees buckled and gave way to the ground. Through blurred vision, he could see Cupid and Loki grinning.

“Love is a battlefield.”

“You… serpent…”

Blackness consumed him.

* * *

Ullr groaned, and rubbed his eyes, then blinked several times, waiting for his vision to adapt to his surroundings. He could vaguely make out two figures standing nearby before a cauldron. A sweet scent filled the air, but he couldn’t quite figure out the ingredients. “…Where am I?” he murmured, sitting upright, rubbing his shoulder. The last thing he remembered was the evil face of Cupid.

“Oh, he’s awake at last!”

An unsettling cackle filled the air. Ullr shuddered. Ahead, he spotted Baba Yaga and Baron Samedi peering down at him, both wearing lopsided grins on their faces.

“You were one of the lucky ones,” Baron said.

Baba nodded. “Heimdallr brought you here just in time.”

Well, the crystals were good for something at least.

“…Why am I here? What are you doing to me?”

“Cupid shot you with a heart bomb arrow,” Baron explained.

Baba brought a wooden spoon close to his face. “It causes you to develop strong sexual feelings for the first god you lay your eyes on,” she added. “You were lucky Heimdallr had returned from his stay in Egypt just in time to save you before the poison had taken affect. Otherwise, you would’ve been on that stage wearing a white bride dress like Thor.”

Great. Now he owed Heimdallr for saving his dignity.

“Now drink.”

Ullr glanced down at the spoon and found a newt’s eye staring up at him in red, sticky liquid. “Uh…. I think I’ll pass on that. I mean, I’m feeling fine, really.”

Baba Yaga grinned. “My potions are true marvels. One swig and all your problems will vanish. Or you will. Or you might end up drunk and disoriented and naked in the jungle. But that could be a good thing depending on the situation.”

Baron chuckled. “Oh, he’s done that before. Haven’t you heard?”

Ullr glowered. “I don’t need to be reminded.” Did everyone know about his fling with Awilix?

“Do not be afraid,” Baba Yaga said.

Now Ullr was scared. Before he could respond, Baba shoved the spoon into his mouth.

“You must swallow,” she ordered.

Not like he had much of a choice. He swallowed the thick gunk. Only then did Baba pull out the spoon. Ullr then lurched forward, covering his mouth to prevent his insides from spilling out all over the place. Disgusting. “What was in that?”

“You don’t want to know,” Baron said with a grin. “It’s a special brew.”

He had heard that one before. The last brew Baron had made had resulted in a bizarre affair between King Arthur and Hera. News had travelled to all the pantheons about this scandalous affair. “…It’s not that special brew, is it?”

Baron shook his head. “The one where your voice goes up an octave?”

“Not that one.”

“Oh, the aphrodisiac! No, no, not at this party.”

Could he trust Baron and Baba? Nope. But he wasn’t having any strong sexual feelings towards anyone yet, so he assumed he was safe. Still, he wanted to get out of this room as quickly as possible in case they decided to use him as their experimental guinea pig for their potions. “…Thanks.”

“Thank Heimdallr.”

“Of course.” Ullr climbed to his feet then reached for his bow… Only to find it wasn’t there. His pair of axes were also missing. Had Loki and Cupid stolen them? The bastards. “I need to find Cupid and Loki. Do you know where they are?”

Both Baron and Baba shook their heads. “No idea. You should visit the Christmas tree though. It’s just in the room at the end of this hall. The last door on the right.”

“And why would I find my answers at a Christmas tree?”

“That’s where the presents are.”

Ah, of course. Loki had probably wrapped up his weapons in a gift box because that’s the sort of trickery he would come up with. “…Bloody trickster,” he murmured, exiting the room, and entering the hallway. There were statues and paintings of Zeus everywhere he looked. Every single one lacked clothing. The man certainly admired himself.

He continued walking down the straight corridor of Zeus statues and paintings, bypassing many locked doors. He stopped by to read a few. “Underworld. Cute three headed dog below, but no touching – Hades. Free statues, no fee – Medusa. I am Rockstar – Athena.” He frowned, shaking his head. Greeks were weird. He kept moving until he reached the door he was looking for. It was easily identifiable by the Christmas reef on it. He pushed it open and poked his head around the corner to make sure it was safe. He spotted a pomegranate tree ahead except it didn’t look like any normal pomegranate tree – this one had skull-faces instead of fruits.

“…This is the worst Yule ever,” Ullr murmured, staring at Persephone’s handiwork. His bow, magical arrows, and his axes were beneath the tree. The skulls leered at him, as if daring him to come closer. He knew what they did – the branches would come off the tree and attack the closest god nearby, and since he was the only one dumb enough to be within range… “When I find you again Loki, I am going to bury the hatchet in you.”

One of the branches twitched. He took another step towards the tree. Another branch moved. Slowly, more branches came to life, baring their sharp little fangs at him. One of them even hissed.

“Damned things,” he cursed, raising his hands as if that would somehow protect him the fury of the plants. “Stupid plants.” If only he could reach his axe…

Then, the plant minions attacked! Although they were less than a foot tall, they were just as annoying as mosquitoes only with sharp teeth. They flung at him all at once, grabbing onto various parts of his body. His legs. His arms. His back. And other areas too. He jumped up and down and did a bit of a twirl, slapping himself furiously as if he were on fire and trying to put out the flames. Thank goodness he was wearing thick clothing.

“Hohohohohoho!”

He recognized that laugh from anywhere – it was rarely heard.

“Oh, look Kaldr! Some new chew toys.”

And he knew that name. Skadi, the goddess of winter, and her white wolf.

Ullr kicked another tree minion away. It flew then imploded into soil. Another one threw itself at him, its small yet sharp teeth latching onto his leg. Fortunately, it couldn’t penetrate the thick fur of his pants. He glanced over at her. “Well don’t just stand there! Do something!”

“Kaldr, go!”

Skadi raised a finger, and the white wolf walked towards the tree. The plants ignored the canine, and Kaldr was safely able to retrieve his weapons one by one. The canine carried them back to Skadi and placed them at her feet. He then sat down on his haunches and wagged his tail, awaiting his next order. Skadi patted him on the head then looked at Ullr once more.

“…I had it under control.”

“It looked like you were dancing. I couldn’t help but chuckle.”

He glowered. “I’m glad you find my torment amusing.”

“It was almost as funny as the time Loki had tied-”

“I don’t need to hear that story again.”

There was laughter, and a poof of smoke. Loki had emerged from the shadows once more. How long had he been watching? “You’re standing under mistletoe! You know what means! Even Frigg herself swore to kiss anyone who passed beneath it! You can’t refuse!”

“Loki, you scoundrel!” Ullr cursed. So, his weapons had been stolen to lure him to the cursed Christmas tree so Loki could pull his stupid little prank.

“Don’t blame me, oh _Glorious One._ Cupid was the one who put it there.”

The trickster god then disappeared into thin air, his raucous laugher echoing throughout the hall.

“Mistletoe killed Baldr. I really don’t think it-” Before he could react, Skadi leaned in and met his lips with her own. Surprisingly, he didn’t turn into an icicle.

She pulled away with a grin, and rubbed her lower lip, as if she were making sure it was still there. “Happy Yule, Ullr,” Skadi said, grinning as she headed towards the exit.

Ullr watched her leave, a slow grin crossing his face, as he picked up his weapons. Well, something good had come out of today at least.


End file.
